Marriage

Marriage Is Easy

marriage-is-easy-just-murrayed

If you read marriage blogs, you’ll notice a theme. That theme is marriage is hard and it’s something that needs to be overcome. It’s made me think a lot lately, why is marriage easy for us then? Is it because we work on our marriage consistently? Is it because we just get along? Is it because we were together for like, forever, before we actually got married? I can tell you it isn’t because we haven’t been through hardships. We’ve dealt with my brain surgery, long distance, job losses and the loss of 3 of 4 grandparents in our relationship.

Marriage IS easy. Or at least it should be. Of course easy doesn’t equal zero work and I think that’s where the problem lies. Humans are inherently lazy. We aren’t exceptions to that rule. But even though our marriage takes “work” that doesn’t mean it isn’t easy. Date nights, communication and loyalty aren’t hard to figure out and they definitely don’t feel like work, but they do take our attention.

1. When bad things happen, we become closer not farther apart.
2. Our relationship comes first.
3. Picking our battles.
4. We are 100% honest.
5. We don’t see our marriage as work.

When people start dating, it’s easy to get along because it’s all superficial. You’re always putting your best foot forward but when you’ve been dating for a long time or married for a while, the superficial romance ends because life isn’t a romantic movie or fairy tale. Life is messy. And trying to fit your messy life into this mould never works because things are always spilling over. Romance becomes a fixed sink or a made lunch.

The other part of marriage that marriage blogs never seem to touch on, is living with someone. Or, at least that’s the difficult part of marriage for us. We’re both stubborn and want things OUR ways. It drives The Mister crazy that I leave my clean(or dirty…) clothing on the arm of our livingroom chair or that I never put my straightener away. I’m an introvert and he’s an extrovert, I need my time alone as an introvert and he needs my attention as an extrovert; these are things we navigate every day, but they don’t feel hard or like work, just a necessary evil of cohabitating with someone.

Let’s stop saying “marriage is hard,” instead let’s start saying “marriage is work,” and let’s start realizing that marriage is a continual work in progress. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

So tell me, do you think marriage is easy? Why or why not? Am I delusional in thinking marriage is easy? What makes your marriage easy or hard?

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20 thoughts on “Marriage Is Easy

  1. I’m sure that I’ve uttered the words, “Marriage is hard.” In fact, I may have said it in my toast at my brother’s wedding. I can’t remember.
    I think you’re right, though. “Hard” might be the wrong word. “Marriage is work” sounds a little more accurate. K and I have been through things, but I’ve never felt like our marriage was in trouble. We disagree, cool off in separate rooms, make jokes about past arguments. We certainly don’t get along all the time and that can be hard and/or work, but we know we’re on the same team forever and ever and that’s not a hard concept for us. 🙂

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  2. Since me and my husband have only been together for two years, we certainly haven’t been through as much as you and your husband have. So the first year of marriage was challenging because honestly we hadn’t been through a lot of challenges together prior to that. However, my conclusion about 2016 was that it was a hard year, not that marriage is hard. Having each other was what kept us going through the tough spots.

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  3. Being only 2 months in, I’m not quite as experienced as you, but we were talking last night and he said, “Remember when we used to fight all the time? What happened to us?” Our dating season was DEFINITELY tougher than marriage has been so far. I think because we had a lot of the normal conversations that people have when they first get married while we were dating, we were able to establish expectations and communication early on. Granted, we have had our moments of arguing and disappointment in the first few months of marriage, but overall, we enjoy it. I don’t think of marriage as “hard,” I just think of vulnerability as something tough and a requirement for a healthy marriage. We genuinely enjoy each other and have for the past 3 years.

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    1. It’s a great perspective and I’m glad you can at least acknowledge that vulnerability is tough, but necessary! I think dating for us was harder too, marriage seems easy since we aren’t in a long distance relationship.

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  4. unrelated to your writing but i first must say – i adore that picture of you two! you both look so peacefully in love with each other.

    now to the writing – YESSSS! i totally agree with changing our language of “marriage is hard” to “marriage is work” and work is in fact – a good thing! when we workout – our bodies and minds become healthier. when we work in a job we love, we get to make a living (hopefully doing something we love). when we work on our marriage – the payoff is immense. thank you for this!

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    1. That photo is pure tiredness…lol the adrenaline had left and we were married. It’s one of my favourites too! I always love hearing your perspective, Chelsea. Glad you agree with me!

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  5. Have you read Passionate Marriage or anything by David Schnarch?? (highly recommend it!) I think how easy or hard a marriage is COMPLETELY depends on the emotional maturity of the two people in the relationship. As the research of Brene Brown confirms, some people are going to struggle to make any type of deep connections with others their entire life no matter who their partner is because they are in the throws of shame or emotional immaturity. These people need validation from others in order to stay afloat, and that is asking for trouble in a relationship. So, kudos to you and your husband for being emotionally mature people!

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    1. That sounds like a great read! Thanks for the recommend. It’s an interesting concept and I think we’d both say we don’t need validation from others and that we have a great sense of who we are.

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  6. Yes yes yes! I think when some people say “marriage is hard” they just simply mean it takes work but it’s really not that hard. Other people say it’s hard and well, the mean the same thing but they use the word correctly. For them working on their marriage is hard but, as you said, it’s because humans are lazy. It makes me so mad when people take the easy way out and divorce at the first sign of difficulty. If they would just honor their vows and work on it, they could work it out. Or better yet, they could have prevented problems by working on their marriage all along.

    Yes marriage is an adjustment to living with someone and sharing your entire life with them instead of just what you show them when dating. But I promised to stick with Pearson till death and I’ll do what I need to to keep that promise. And it’s not hard. It’s easy. And fun!

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    1. I totally agree with you, Charlene! I think prevention is always best but I get that life can get in the way so having a mindset of commitment still makes marriage easy.

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  7. I think it’s actually good that writers are married folks are sharing that marriage is hard. It takes work to put another first, sure, and as Charlene said above, emotional maturity has a lot to do with it. But we’re living unfortunately in a society that largely lacks this emotional maturity lol. It’s a society that says “if it feels good, do it” and eschews the idea of staying in something that is difficult. This is probably why so many people hit the road when times get tough, because they believe being with your “soulmate” should be nothing but joy and laughter. So bloggers sharing that it is hard might be helping people to understand the seriousness of this commitment and the fact that its not all sunshine and roses. The key to me is that it’s work, yes, but the results are absolutely amazing and incredibly worth it.

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    1. You make an excellent point about bloggers showing that marriage can be hard and you should stay in it even if it takes work especially for millennials who can lack emotional maturity.

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  8. I completely agree. I say that marriage IS NOT hard, in general – it has hard MOMENTS. I think it’s important to pick battles (as you said), appreciate the simple things, and notice what your spouse has done (instead of only talking about what they don’t do).

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